Lovable, awkward, and always hilarious Chandler Bing is an iconic character from the Friends television series. We hope you love these Chandler Bing quotes as much as we do.
Many sitcoms have tried, but no show has matched the popularity of the classic ‘90s show, Friends, since it ended almost 20 years ago.
The show’s popularity isn’t entirely due to a devoted original fan base, but constant reruns and streaming has introduced the show to new generations who are charmed by i’s relatable characters.
Perhaps the most relatable friend is Chandler Bing. Chandler grew up in a broken home and learned to use humor to hide his emotions. Despite constantly roasting his friends, at his core, Chandler is honest, kind, and loving.
Throughout the show’s 10 seasons we watch Chandler grow from an awkward twenty-something learning how to traverse adulthood to becoming a loving and supportive husband and father. Enjoy these Chandler Bing quotes!
Don’t forget to also check out these Tony Soprano quotes from the boss.
Best Chandler Bing quotes and one-liners
1. “Oh, man. In my next life, I’m coming back as a toilet brush!” — Chandler Bing
2. “Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.” — Chandler Bing
3. “The Sheer Volume (Of Questions). It Was Like Flying With The Riddler!” — Chandler Bing
4. “I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work, and/or are sick.” — Chandler Bing
5. “Cheese. It’s milk that you chew.” — Chandler Bing
6. “You have to stop the q-tip when there’s resistance!” — Chandler Bing
7. “So it seems like this internet thing is here to stay.” — Chandler Bing
8. “If I were a guy and…did I just say ‘if I were a guy?’” — Chandler Bing
9. “If I’m gonna be an old, lonely man, I’m gonna need a thing. You know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So, I figure I’ll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y’know? Crazy Snake Man. And I’ll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. ‘Run away from Crazy Snake Man,’ they’ll shout.” — Chandler Bing
10. “What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?” — Chandler Bing
Most quotable Chandler Bing quotes
11. “I say more dumb things before 9 A.M. than most people say all day.” — Chandler Bing
12. “When I first meet somebody it’s usually panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.” — Chandler Bing
13. “It’s always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.” — Chandler Bing
14. “We swallow our feelings, even if it means we’re unhappy forever. Sound good?” — Chandler Bing
15. “Like what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checking out the Chan Chan Man!” — Chandler Bing
16. “I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!” — Chandler Bing
17. “Should I use my invisibility to fight crime, or for evil?” — Chandler Bing
18. “Oh, that makes me feel so warm in my hollow, tin chest.” — Chandler Bing
19. “I am not “blah”! I’m a hoot.” — Chandler Bing
20. “I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.” — Chandler Bing
21. “Hi. I’m Chandler Bing. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.” — Chandler Bing
22. “I’m full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I’ll regret it.” — Chandler Bing
23. “When I was younger, I started using humor as a defense mechanism.” — Chandler Bing
Sarcastic Chandler Bing quotes and dialogues
24. “I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing
25. “Oh, I know. This must be so hard. ‘Oh, no! Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight!’” — Chandler Bing
26. Chandler: “I got her machine.”
Joey: “Her answering machine?”
Chandler: “No. Interestingly enough her leafblower picked up.”
27. “Oh we’re just sitting here, doing nothing. It’s our rehearsal for tomorrow.” — Chandler Bing
28. “I’m A Headhunter. I Hook Up Out-Of-Work Soviet Scientists With Rogue Third-World Nations. Hi, Rasputin!” — Chandler Bing
Funny Chandler Bing quotes
29. (Preparing to break up with Janice for the third time) “There’s no easy way to say this. At least, there’s no new way for me to say this.” — Chandler Bing
30. “Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your ‘cancer’ and your ’emphysema’ and your ‘heart disease.’ The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.” — Chandler Bing
31. [To a door] “I’m funny, right? What do you know? You’re a door. You only like knock-knock jokes.” — Chandler Bing
32. Janice: “What a small world.”
Chandler: “And yet I never run into Beyonce.”
33. Joey: “Oh, sorry, did I get ya?”
Chandler: “No, you didn’t get me. It’s an electric drill, if you get me, you kill me!”
34. “I’m a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last twelve hundred times.” — Chandler Bing
35. “Until I was 25, I thought that the only response to ‘I love you’ Was ‘Oh, crap!’” — Chandler Bing
36. Ross: “No, Homo habilis was erect. Australopithecus was never fully erect.”
Chandler: “Well, maybe he was nervous.”
37. “Alright, I took the quiz. And it turns out I do put my career before men.” — Chandler Bing
38. “I’m glad we’re having a rehearsal dinner, I rarely practice my meals before I eat.” — Chandler Bing
39. Monica: “Okay, I’ve got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.”
Chandler: “How do you find clothes that fit?”
40. Ross directing Chandler and Rachel on getting a sofa up some stairs: “PIVOT. PIVOT. PIVOT”
Chandler: “SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.”
More hilarious Chandler Bing quotes
41. “Why yes Ross. Pressing my third nipple… It opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.” — Chandler Bing
42. Ross: “That guy Mark from Bloomingdale’s. She thinks he’s just being nice to her, but I know he really wants to sleep with her.”
Chandler: “It’s seven years ago. My time machine works!”
43. “Could we be more white trash?” — Chandler Bing
44. “On second thought, gum would be perfection. (to himself) Gun would be perfection? Could’ve said, “Gum would be nice,” or, “I’ll have a stick,” but no. For me, gum would be perfection. I loathe myself.” — Chandler Bing
45. Joey: “Okay, Ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.”
Chandler: “What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?”
46. “Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!” — Chandler Bing
47. Ross: “Don’t you want a washboard stomach and rock-hard pecs?”
Chandler: “No, I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts.”
48. Ross: “I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.”
Chandler: “Was that place the sun?”
49. To Ross: “If you’re not careful, you might not get married at all this year.” — Chandler Bing
50. “Ah, ‘Hotties of the Paleontology Department.’ There’s a big-selling calendar, eh?” — Chandler Bing
Could Chandler Bing BE the best Friends character?
Though Chandler never misses a chance to tease his friends (and, let’s be honest, they are constantly giving him new ammo), behind his sarcastic comments is a heart full of love.
In the early seasons of Friends, we see Chandler use his humor to mask his insecurities and awkwardness, which simply made him more relatable to the audience. Who doesn’t feel insecure and awkward in their early twenties?
And though he never grew out of the awkwardness, we see him slowly gain confidence throughout the seasons as he grows up, falls in love, and finally accepts himself for who he is.
While all the friends are relatable in some way, Mrs. Chanandler Bong will always have a special place in our nostalgic hearts.
Did you enjoy these Chandler Bing quotes and lines? Which quote was your favorite? Let us know in the comments below.